The glories of 19th century court reporting have been explored here before, with the emphasis on the flights of fancy indulged in by the Moreton Bay Courier’s scribes. As wondrous as the Courier’s prose can be, it could never compete with the Police Register columns of Bell’s Life in Sydney and Sporting Reviewer. Here are some gems from both publications.
M’GOUZLEM’S FOOL
Next appeared, for drunkenness, a mate of the former defendant, named Thomas Milner, better known as M’Gouzlem’s fool, a regular Victor Hugo’s “Quasimodo” in ugliness, whose entrée created much mirth. He was indeed as ugly as sin, with an obliquity of mug truly remarkable, and lips that would rival any Hottentot Venus, beard of at least a week’s growth, manured by a portion of some puddle which his phiz often appears to fondle, and hair of “mud-coloured grey,” standing out like quills upon the fretful porcupine. Fancy all this, and you have my “Caliban.” The subject matter in dispute will be seen by the following colloquy between Bench and defendant. –
Bench – Were you drunk ? Defendant-Oh ! yes.
Bench-How much did you drink ? Defendant (grinning most ominously) Until I got drunk.
Bench-Had you no water to wash your face? Defendant (another grin) I forgot the water while I drank the rum.
During this short confab the cachinnatory muscles of the auditors were exercised to an unusual degree; even the stern front of Justice was compelled to relax, which was perhaps so much in favour of M’Gouzlem’s fool, that he was only admonished as to the present working of the Vagrant Act, and fined five bob.
Moreton Bay Courier (Brisbane, Qld. : 1846 – 1861), Monday 10 December 1849, page 1. IPSWICH.
Brief Character Sketches by Bell’s Life
Mr. McGrath, a sedately solemn individual of a rhubarb and magnesia expression of countenance, attired in a suit of seedy professional black, and a cerulean embroidered satin choker, having entered the box, convulsively clasping a crimson eighteen-penny China fogle in his left hand, seized the book with his right, and having fervently saluted it, proceeded to dole forth the history of his wrongs.
A shocking rogue, with a most villainous cast of countenance, by name Jabez Jones, was observed by our worthy Inspector Pearce reposing his person on the pavement in Pitt-street on Monday night, about half-past eleven o’clock.
On Tuesday last three imitations of humanity, neither of whom would disgrace a gibbet, answering severally to the appellations of Charles Lewis, William Murray, and William Cook, were brought before Captain Browne, at the Water Police-office, on a charge preferred by Mr. Inspector Pearce, for having housebreaking implements in their possession.
An individual of about half a century’s vegetation, named John M’Dermott, sabbathically attired in black pants, buff vest, and cerulean frock, next confronted the Majesty of the Law, to explain the why and wherefore of having grievously assaulted an elderly female of very equivocal personal appearance named Catherine Lawler, the keeper of a lodging-house in Kent-street.
The dashing white serjeant, Letitia Hogan, once more illuminated the Court with her blaze of beauty; her pug nose and red locks being heightened in effect by a bonnet variegated with two bouquets, in which the peony and dahlia preponderated over the lily and the primrose.
Maria Lyons, a little trifle that it would be easier to jump over than walk round, was brought up for smashing two squares of glass, in a house of light entertainment, to the west of the Rainbow.
Thomas Bass, a publican, who does no trifling stroke of business at his bar in Parramatta-street, stepped forward with a smile of the utmost complacency and self-confidence to account for a striking breach of the gallantry and dignity of manhood, alleged to have been perpetrated by him upon the unoffending person of one Hannah Hilton.
The lily complexion of a Mrs. Ann Badden next peered above the deposition pulpit to confront the rubicund physiognomy of a female neighbour, by name Julia Eakey, whom she accused of a malevolent and heart-appalling assault, the details of which she related in the most approved style of modern police-office pathetics.
Elizabeth Sutter, a blooming, bounding charming-complexioned blonde, with light auburn hair and twinkling eyes, richly attired in a cerulean blue dress, black visite, and lemon coloured bonnet lined and trimmed with white silk, who says she plies the thimble, thread and needle, somewhere on the South Head Road, appeared to answer the complaint of Agnes Aitken, a salmon-faced, buxom dame of 14st. 6 lbs., who resides in the same locality.
A genteelly attired and handsome young woman named Emma Aston Bell, was escorted into Court under the wing of Mr. Gilbert Wright, for the purpose of preferring a charge of assault against a sulky, venomous-looking lump of female humanity, one Eliza Taylor.
John Ward, a person whose face more resembled that of a baboon than one of the human species, was charged with having committed a most outrageous, deliberate, and unheard-of felony.
Mary Gorman, an elderly spinster, possessing more wrinkles than dimples, and who condescends to hang out in Princes-street, a few doors from Mr. Councilor Ryan, was escorted on to the floor of the Court to explain how she, in the sere and yellow autumn of her days, so far forgot the dignity of her age and sex as to indulge in the public streets in language most abhorrent to ears polite—more especially to those more delicate organs of the gentler sex.
A withered feminine of Hibernian growth, named Mary O’Neale, was under the unpleasant necessity of being committed to undergo the ordeal of a dozen sworn good men and true, for having in her waking and walking dreams pilfered the robe de chambre of a Mrs. Eliza Stapleton.
A stump of a man shaped like a water butt, or a rum puncheon, and whose enormous stubbly whiskers pointed West-nor-West, was placed at the bar, charged with the following brutal and cowardly assault.
DESECRATION OF THE SABBATH
The next on the list was a gentleman named William Johnston, alias Crumpie, a recent arrival in our city, who was charged by the chief constable with having committed a desecration of the sabbath on the 1st inst. It appeared that the defendant, whose habits are rather of an industrious nature, was found astride the top of a chimney, busily employed in repairing same. On being asked by the officer, if he was aware of the nature of the offence he was committing, he replied “Pooh man, this is nothing to what I have done. I have helped build trenches on Christmas Day and shoot out thousands in the Crimea, but, man, if you do not like my working, I shall go read my history!” Case dismissed.
Moreton Bay Courier (Brisbane, Qld. : 1846 – 1861), Saturday 7 January 1860, page 2
Bell’s Life in Sydney and Sporting Reviewer (NSW : 1845 – 1860), Saturday 3 March 1855, page 2, Bell’s Life in Sydney and Sporting Reviewer (NSW : 1845 – 1860), Saturday 28 December 1850, page 2, Bell’s Life in Sydney and Sporting Reviewer (NSW : 1845 – 1860), Saturday 21 December 1850, page 2, Bell’s Life in Sydney and Sporting Reviewer (NSW : 1845 – 1860), Saturday 14 December 1850, page 2, Bell’s Life in Sydney and Sporting Reviewer (NSW : 1845 – 1860), Saturday 7 December 1850, page 2, Bell’s Life in Sydney and Sporting Reviewer (NSW : 1845 – 1860), Saturday 23 November 1850, page 2, Bell’s Life in Sydney and Sporting Reviewer (NSW : 1845 – 1860), Saturday 16 November 1850, page 3.
Moreton Bay and More 